The Please Don'ts for Summer - Part 1

You tend to see a lot of atrocities when catching the train and/or bus back and forth from the suburbs to downtown DC everyday, but nothing brings out the NO's more than summer. I'm talkin about the 'No she didn't"s the "No that's not what I think it is" the "Oh No's" and the "Hell No's". I have vowed to jot down a note for every Hell No I spot so that I can remember and share, but for now here is a simmered down list of ten summer Don'ts from my mind to you . . .


Number 1: Ladies, Ladies, Ladies, if you are sporting a jungle or even noticeable fuzz in the armpit area, DO NOT WEAR A SLEEVELESS SHIRT, especially when there is a chance that you might have to stand up on the Metro and reach for the high support rail, the innocent bystanders within bird's eye view of your hairyness do not deserve this.

Number 2: Please remember that white pants are not for everyone, or atleast certain white fabrics aren't. I really feel bad that no one informed you that white + sun =see-thru, as in we can see your cellulite, stretch marks and blemishes thru your pants. Next time, please skip the Rave or Ashley Stewart sale rack and go for a good pair made of a good fabric that is also lined. Also, it's advisable to wear nude (skin toned) undies instead of hot pink, okay, same for shirts.

Number 3: Even though you are considered on the slender side because your frame is somewhat petite, that does not mean that you are automatically entitled to bare your belly in a half shirt. Your arms, thighs and butt may still be small, but your big ass, 4 c-section having, stretch mark scarred belly looks like it's been put through a meat grinder, just hanging there and jiggeling under your shirt, please put it away, it's making me sick just thinking about it.

Number 4: When your flip-flops have sprung a leak and gone flat, it's time to toss them and invest $4.99 in a new pair. Leaning flip-flops, good lawd, need I say more.

Number 5: I understand that we all can't have perfect feet, some of us take them thru a heck of a lot, me included, but if you got a corn on every toe and deep ridges of dead cracked skin lining your heels, strappy gladiator sandals might not be the best way to showcase that. Buy a foot scraper from CVS for $2.99 and some medicated corn pads and go home and get to work.

Number 6: Sheer deodarant was a miracle invention that you can purchase anywhere in any brand and scent, please invest, white deodorant stains are so tacky.

Number 7: Speaking of deodorant, please use it. Also, if you haven't figured it out already, you might need to switch brands or scents when summer rolls around. Sometimes the brand that kept us dry and must-free in winter does not perform the same way in summer. Go ahead, try something new, sooner please rather than later.

Number 8: This one is not specific to summer, but has been spotted often enough lately that I am compelled to give it special mention . . . female + mustache = NO. I'm not quite sure where in the world or who in their right mind finds this carnival freak show act attractive, but . . .

Number 9: This is a little petty, but black sandals do not go with everything. If you have on brown bottoms with a white or grey or any neutral colored shirt, you kinda need to pair that with brown or neutral colored footwear. Um, I don't know how else to explain . . .

Number 10: Last but not least, another special mention. Again, this is not specific to summer but I spotted this today and I really wanted to get off the bus to let this women know. Dear lady, It's great that you were getting your exercise on, power walking in your bike shorts and tank top, you were doing it, more power! The only thing is, if you've had that pair of workout shorts for awhile, you might just want to check the seems before slipping them on and hitting the pavement. Sweetie, I am so sorry to inform you that you had a big fat split, as in hole, right in the ass crack of your bike shorts. I even heard one person gasp 'oh no' as the bus crept by.